Tell us about yourself (age, occupation, how long ago you were in a long distance relationship, etc.).
I am 30 years old, have been married two years, and recently had a daughter (she is 4 months). I currently teach psychology at ITT Tech and in August will be teaching elementary school for children with behavioral and emotional disorders. I was in a long distance relationship for close to two years (2010-2011).
Give us some background on your long distance relationship. Why were you and your ex living in different areas and for how long?
I lived in NC when I met him and we became good friends. Around August 2009 I began making plans to attend graduate school and researched schools in NC and PA. I got a call in August from a family friend to tell me that my younger sister was doing heroin and he was concerned. She called me later that same day to tell me about it and ask for help. I made plans to move back to PA and attend graduate school close to home so that I could be by my family. I did not move until December, and in that time Cedric and I grew closer and started dating (both of us knowing that I was moving soon). When it came time for me to move we discussed it and decided we would give long distance a chance.
Once I moved I was in PA for close to two years and we dated long distance for much of this time.
How did you deal with the distance? For instance, how often did you speak and/or see each other? Was trust a big issue?
Dealing with the distance had many pros and cons. Once I started graduate school I was so busy that the distance probably helped us survive much of the relationship. I was attending school full time and also working three jobs to pay tuition, so if we had been living close together I think our relationship would’ve suffered. We talked daily on the phone and of course texted. Skype also became a big part of our lives. We tried to see each other every 2-3 months, even if it was just for a long weekend.
Trust was not a huge issue, but if I didn’t hear from him when I expected I would worry. It was never worrying about him cheating, it was always more of a concern that something happened to him and I didn’t hear anything because the distance. We talked very openly and I explained to him that if he said he would call me back in a second because he was driving but I didn’t hear back for 2-3 hours it made me worry. With this open communication he became more aware of how his actions affected me and was able to change.
What were the 1-3 hardest things about being a long distance relationship? How did you deal with those things?
1. Obviously the hardest is not seeing the person often, when we were apart we both grew a lot emotionally, socially, and intellectually. Being in our twenties we were still establishing identities and when we did see each other every few months it was sometimes like seeing a brand new person. Open communication was the best way to overcome this obstacle. When we did talk we talked about everything, even if it seemed stupid. I would tell him what I had for lunch or send a pic of something funny I saw that day. Too often I think people don’t talk about the stupid day to day things, but when he asked how my day was I did not just want to respond with “good”. By talking about seemingly pointless things we were able to laugh and joke, just as if we were still living by each other.
2. Stress — Seeing each other was so much fun because we had so much to catch up on, but it was also stressful. Planning a 10 hour drive to see each other can cause a lot of stress, both emotional and financial. Also since we were both in school and working we had to plan around classes and jobs. This could become a challenge. Then there was the stress of saying goodbye again after having only a few days together. It was very draining. We found that the best way to deal with it was to enjoy every moment we had together to the fullest. Knowing we only had 3 days together made it possible for us to pack as much into those three days so that for the upcoming months of distance we had plenty to talk about reminisce.
3. Intimacy — The hardest thing is probably the lack of intimacy. Knowing that it would be three months before we would see each other was overwhelming at times. When one of us would get down about the distance the other would always be there to put a positive spin on it. Since the intimacy wasn’t there we had to make up for it in other ways. He sent me a stuffed animal to hold at night when I needed to cuddle. This is a topic a lot of people face issues with, especially in long distance relationships, but not many people want to talk about it because it can be embarrassing. At first it was hard, but having conversations either via phone or text about what we would do if we were with each other helped. It is somehow romantic and also erotic to have a conversation stating how you would kiss and touch the other person. This also helped express fantasies one or the other might have so that when we did see each other things were really good!
One other thing we often did was send little gifts or cards. Something about going old school and receiving a card in the mail was more romantic and thoughtful than a quick text. I was lucky enough to work on the college campus where I got tons of free things like t-shirts, mugs, etc. I also worked at Macy’s and got great deals on clothes so I would send him gifts constantly and when holidays or Christmas came we went all out! Since we talked daily we had to get creative about what to write in the cards, which got fun because we would send song lyrics, poems, quotes, pictures, and other things to express a certain feeling.
Did you end up breaking up as a result of the distance? If so, tell us a little bit about that. What specifically initiated the split?
We did break up because of the distance, but it ended up being a blessing in disguise. After about a year in a half of distance it just got to be too hard. I was nearing the end of school and had very little time to travel to see him. This put more stress on him to travel to PA. By this time we had both grown a lot as individuals and we were completely different people from when we first met. There was not one major event that initiated the split, it was more of a build-up of small events. We started growing apart and our conversations grew shorter or more distracted. We made plans to visit each other and they fell through, so when we saw each other a month later things were just not the same. We split up, but neither of us had any intention of dating anyone else. It was more that we didn’t want the obligation of having to call the other person or checking in with them. Ironically we still talked just as much, calls every day, texts, etc. but the stress was gone because we were doing it since we wanted to, not because we had to.
How long did it take for you to heal from your breakup? What helped you most during the recovery?
The break up was hard because we had talked about marriage and a life together, but it was also helpful because I was nearing the end of grad school and it gave me a chance to evaluate what I wanted from life. I was able to make decisions based solely on ym wants, instead of thinking of another. The thing that helped most was celebrating me! I began to focus on doing things I really wanted to. I made career decisions based on my desires instead of our relationship. I was free to explore all of my options. This focus on myself was essential to healing.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a result of your long distance relationship and/or breakup?
Never let a relationship or another person dictate your life. When a relationship becomes more work than anything it is time to step back and see if it is beneficial to fix it or move in separate directions. Talk because you want to, not because you are obligated to.
Would you try a long distance relationship ever again? Why or why not?
I eventually got back together with him and have since gotten married. He is now in the Navy and will be on a sub for up to 6 months at a time. In a sense we will be in an on and off long distance relationship for the next 20 years! I am more confident than other Navy wives about making it work while he is gone. The long distance relationship we had taught me a lot including independence and effective communication. I feel like the distance actually brought us closer in many senses because since we could not be physically close we had to connect emotionally. We had two years to talk about everything so we got to know each other on a deeper level than if we had dated traditionally. Now that we are married we rarely have a disagreement and if we do we discuss it instead of arguing. The distance taught us the importance of communication and I feel that it made us stronger as a couple.
And lastly, what advice would you give to any woman who is considering ending a long distance relationship?
First, if you do not completely trust the other person than long distance is not for you. Second, talk about the stupid things that happen during your day, it’ll bring you closer as a couple. Last, as you both grow as individuals celebrate your growth and find ways to bridge the gap so that you can also grow as a couple.