Tell us about yourself (age, occupation, how long ago you broke up with your ex, etc.).
I’m 41 and a musician. I’m the director of music and organist at a church. My separation started in December 2011. The divorce was finalized in November 2014.
Give us some background on your divorce. What motivated you to consider divorce as an option?
Abuse began a year after we met; we had a baby almost immediately. I was 29 and totally fine with raising a child with someone I had just met and felt was “the love of my life”. After five years of struggling with abuse physically/emotionally, I was attacked to the point where I went to court. I got a PFA (protection from abuse order), and let him back in 7 weeks later. Him “being my man” was still my top priority, even though he had just tried to kill me.
Three children and 9 years of very unsavory behavior in our financial and social life, especially, led me to be feeling very close to “death.” I’d look in the mirror and see gray. I was breathing to keep my kids alive and functioning, while trying to constantly cover my pain and disappointment for investing so heavily in someone who wasn’t up to task of working on our marriage. To this day, I’m still extremely gun shy about dating/engagement/marriage, even though I’m in a committed relationship with someone else.
How did you deal with any shame or guilt regarding your divorce? How did you convince yourself to go through with it anyway?
When I told him we’d be separating, he started going along with everything, trying to show me he could be that guy I wanted him to be. I had no shame/guilt whatsoever. Just a resounding sensation that I needed to get off the ride with him. I had had ENOUGH.
That changed when he jumped to conclusions when a divorced friend and his kids came over to celebrate our son’s birthday. I went back to the women’s center for group counseling for support in dealing with my husband while I figured out how I was going to safely and quickly wrap this up. We still had 6 months left on our lease and neither of us could afford to live their on our own. That means we were both trying to live in the same house during that time.
Fast forward a month and he’s talking to a “Christian” friend about our situation. He decides to put his wedding band back on and sign us up for a “walk with Jesus.” This resulted in him yelling Bible verses at me and telling me to behave.
Three weeks of that and I was immersed in fear. He was going into attack mode again and I was fighting for my life. When you’re being told to head to the shelter at the women’s center — by your counselor at the center and your newly acquired lawyer — because your family/friends don’t want to be involved, you move your ass and hope you land safely. It was all an enormous struggle. My optimism carried me through. I truly felt as though I was stuck in a living hell with him.
The guilt and shame have nothing to do with the divorce and everything to do with the reality that the vows I took never mattered. Besides the joy of being the mother of my three beautiful children, I have more bad feelings than good and have a lot of de-tangling yet to do from investing so heavily into someone who refused to relate.
What were the 1-3 hardest things about getting divorced? How did you deal with those things?
– Letting go of the familial structure and standing strong for the children’s inquiries of why I couldn’t be with their daddy. I told them that everything would be okay even though they thought everything already was okay (I’ll take that as “Job well done, Mom!”).
What were the 1-3 best things about getting divorced? In what ways were you surprised by it?
– Freedom. Feeling like you’re in a living hell when you’re making it look like heaven is a suffocating scenario. Freedom is breathing and smiling and just taking it in. I had given all my freedom away.
How long did it take for you to heal from your divorce? What helped you most during the recovery?
I’m still healing. What helped most was support of my friends, the love of my children, and my boyfriend’s acceptance of my pain and willingness to be by me no matter how upsetting the constant focus of my failed marriage vs. our new love.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a result of your divorce?
Don’t marry an asshole. Seriously, if you do it and know you’re doing it, you are the one doing it to yourself knowingly. And that was me. Dumb me.
If you have children, how did you see your divorce impact them? What advice would you give to mothers who are considering divorce?
I struggle with this. And honestly, I’m not sure I’m ready to answer this quite yet.
And lastly, what advice would you give to any woman (mother or not) who is considering divorce?
If you and your partner have no willingness to work together, make sure you’re strong in each step you make to safely exit the marriage. Put nothing to chance as much as you’re able. Meticulously choose each step each day like you did the details of your wedding day. The exit for me was the WORST and there was no plan and each day I was running for my life, against the clock, etc.
