Tell us about yourself (age, occupation, how long ago you broke up with your ex, etc.).
I’m 29 and work full-time as a procedural and compliance risk manager in the mortgage processing industry. Got engaged after less than 6 months of knowing the fella, married within 6 months of getting engaged. He officially moved out in April 2015, and we are not yet divorced.
Give us some background on your divorce. What motivated you to consider divorce as an option?
It became clear to me that my husband had absolutely no interest in seeing a counselor, in getting help for himself or for the marriage. It was also heart-breakingly clear he saw no fault of his own, and it scared me. It got pretty dark before I was able to accept that divorce was the best option.
How did you deal with any shame or guilt regarding your divorce? How did you convince yourself to go through with it anyway?
I still have guilt/shame. I’m still embarrassed. As I have told my counselor, I worry I will forever have the big, red ‘D’ stamp. I still find myself avoiding some social situations so I don’t have to talk about it.
But a lot of that is in my head. When I get brave enough to be honest about my current separated status to those who inquire, I find nothing but support. People care. They understand. They sympathize. Having others’ support has made it so much easier.
What were the 1-3 hardest things about getting divorced? How did you deal with those things?
The hurt of not being wanted anymore by the one person who is supposed to want you for the rest of your life. Still working through that.
That first encounter with friends and family and they are all asking “Where is [husbands name]? How is he?” The first reveal only lasts for 5 minutes. So once it’s out in the open, it’s over. And [hopefully] it doesn’t have to come up again unless you want it to.
The desire to be wanted/loved by a man again, and at the same time feeling unworthy of love. Wow. It’s intense. Still working through this one too.
What were the 1-3 best things about getting divorced? In what ways were you surprised by it?
There was a sense of peace and relief when I realized I was free from the darkness he brought into our home. I felt guilty for kind of enjoying the time alone. Nights were difficult, as when you’re used to having someone to fall asleep with and suddenly you don’t, it’s a tough transition. But waking up to the lightness of a lifted burden… priceless.
For me, it was a reality check. I was so against divorce my whole life but this kind of opened my eyes to the reality that it -does- happen and sometimes, it needs to happen. It’s allowed me to be less judgemental of those who’ve been divorced. I didn’t realize how immature I had been before.
How long did it take for you to heal from your divorce? What helped you most during the recovery?
Still healing. Having a close girlfriend who has also gone through it, who I could text during all of the really difficult and emotional times (like going to a bridal shower… someone should warn a separated/recently divorced woman about that one), meet up with every so often to vent and feel normal with, is probably the biggest help.
I have heard about a group thing called Divorce Care, I’m hoping to make it there sometime. I know being around people more will help, but it’s still really difficult. Seeing a counselor gets me talking at least once every two weeks or so, so that has helped with my anti-social tendencies (which, may I add, I didn’t have until this marriage).
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a result of your divorce?
Wow that’s tough. I guess to sum it up – I learned so much about *me*. I learned my weaknesses, my strengths, my tendencies, my beliefs… I know myself so much better as a result of this situation. It gives me a little confidence that I won’t let a relationship like this (or a man like my ex) into my life again…
If you have children, how did you see your divorce impact them? What advice would you give to mothers who are considering divorce?
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And lastly, what advice would you give to any woman (mother or not) who is considering divorce?
See a counselor together first. Or find a way the two of you can communicate about expectations, frustrations, etc and *try.* It will give a peace in the madness if you know deep down you’ve done all you could and tried everything you could to avoid the divorce.