Tell us about yourself (age, occupation, how long ago you broke up with your ex, etc.).
I am 48 and have two children, a son (21) and daughter (19 in Sept) who both go to college in Philadelphia. This summer I officially became an empty nester when my daughter and son both decided to stay in Philadelphia. I just downsized from our house to a small 2 bedroom apartment in the same neighborhood. Professionally, I am transitioning into a completely new career. I am studying to be a personal trainer and hope to working in a gym within 2 months. I will be working on building my own training business focusing on women over 40 who are going through challenging life transitions.
I have been married and divorced twice, and with each marriage, my husbands initiated the divorce. My first marriage occurred February 1990, 6 months after my husband and I met. We had 2 children. My first husband left in the spring of 1997 and we were divorced in 2000. My second marriage was in September 2003. My second husband and I were friends and dated for a couple of years before getting married. He left in June 2010 and our divorce was final in January 2013. I’ve been single since my second husband left – no boyfriends and only occasional dating.
Briefly give us some background on your divorces. What happened in those situations?
Each divorce was initiated by my husband at the time. Although I was well aware there were serious problems in our marriage, I was always committed to working them out and they had expressed the same sentiment up until the time they said they were leaving.With hindsight and therapy, I can say this is what happened leading to each divorce:
Husband #1 could probably be clinically diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathy or something to either effect. He was emotionally abusive to me when were married and even after. He made many selfish and rash choices while married, and for most of them, I never fought him because I was made to feel that I was making him unhappy. He was a disengaged parent and 95% of the parenting fell to me. I thought that loving him mean always letting him have his way, to give up my own desires, goals and social life.
Husband #2 is an alcoholic and at the time he left our marriage, he was actively abusing alcohol and prescription drugs. He was also spending more and more time with his parents and brother who were telling him that he was not an addict and that his behavior was directly related to being unhappy with his marriage to me. I can see now that his relationship with his parents was extremely dysfunctional and that he never operated as an adult with them, and consequently, in our marriage. I also do believe now that he suffered from an undiagnosed mental illness – depression, suicide and bipolar disorder run in his family – that he was medicating with alcohol and eventually pills. I enabled his drinking as a way of alleviating the guilt I felt (internally driven) that I was not worthy of someone who would take on the burden of me and my kids and my diminishing desire to have children with him.
With each marriage there came an epiphany for me: that my husbands’ respective behavior was destructive and that I was not the cause of it. When I began standing up for myself and my children, started saying no, started demanding better behavior I was met with rage and abuse for months, then was eventually told that the marriage was over.
You mentioned that you’ve been divorced twice. In what ways was it difficult to pursue a second divorce after having gone through the experience previously?
Extremely difficult. First, I was still very much in love with him. Compared to my first husband, the second was warm, generous and sensitive. We were friends. My kids considered him more their dad than their actual father (first husband, although faithful to visitation, was very uninvolved in our kids’ lives). I was losing the person I was to be with forever. My kids were losing their dad. I was afraid of being poor (which happened after the 1st marriage). I felt betrayed by life and God as I gave much consideration and prayer into choosing to even date my second husband. I thought I had done everything right. And beyond that I was floored by the shame in having two failed marriages and I was only in my early 40s.
How did you deal with any shame? And how did you convince yourself to go through with it anyway?
The shame was very crushing. I felt ashamed around friends and family even though they were supportive of me. I felt ashamed in public because of what I thought people would think of me. I thought people would see me as dumb, incapable, slutty, indiscriminate — the opposite of who I knew I really was.
As I mentioned, I didn’t initiate this divorce. I didn’t consent to it right away, even when my second husband threatened me financially. I had already been seeing a counselor even before my marriage ended and was seeing her during this time. She helped me understand that NOT doing anything was just as viable an activity as doing something. I decided to do nothing, as I could under PA law anyway. During that time, I watched my husband unravel even more. That’s when it became clear to me that while I could attribute problems in the marriage to both of us, the dissolution was because of him. I accepted that I had done everything I could have possibly done to save it. My kids had already cut their ties with him, and so could I. That’s when the shame went away.
What were the 1-3 hardest things about getting divorced? How did you deal with those things?
1. Trust. I mentioned that I was very slow and thoughtful in deciding to date and marry my second husband. The marriage ending in spite of me being extremely conscientious made it hard for me to trust the world, God, and mostly myself. Counseling was key. Cognitive behavioral therapy introduced me to my true self for the first time ever and I learned to loved me. I began to trust the people who established themselves as unconditional friends, and then let go of the ones that were dysfunctional. I began offering friendship in the way it was offered to me and I experienced the feeling of being trusted. I started to trust my own judgment, lower the unattainable expectations I had for myself, and understand that mistakes did not mean the end of the world. I worked very hard to let go of the fear of the unknown, which I learned is only successful if you actually face the unknown. I deliberately put myself in frightening, but “safe” situations; for example, I started taking improv classes to face my shyness and fear of being publicly judged. I now perform a lot and I enjoy it. I know that trusting my teammates is key.
2. Feeling responsible for everything that went wrong. Once again, counseling, CBT in particular, was a huge help. Reconnecting with friends and trusting that I was important to them affirmed me. They had an outside view of what happened in my marriage, had a genuine love and concern for me, and for a spell, they knew me better than I knew myself. Their opinions on me, my marriage, and how I was handling things helped me understand that not all of the marital problems and the divorce were my fault. My kids were also extremely influential in this regard. They could more easily let go of their dad and step dad based on their behavior and betrayals and were not crushed, but were empowered by their choice to do so. I felt that if they could do it, so could I.
3. Feeling lonely. This is very hard because it never really goes away. Like I said, I haven’t been in any relationship since my second husband left, and I’ve barely dated. This is mostly by choice. I have become very discriminating. I can take heart in the fact that I haven’t compromised myself in any way, that I haven’t introduced someone unhealthy into my and my kids’ lives, but I still miss having the feeling that someone has my back at any time. I miss having someone care where I am and what I’m doing. Even after 5 years, there are times when I have physical pain in my heart because there is no one waiting for me at home to tell me about their day and my about mine. Ultimately, I would like to have a healthy relationship with a healthy person, I want to know what sex and companionship is like in a healthy relationship. I haven’t had that opportunity yet. The thought that it may never happen sometimes floors me.
I find that when I feel lowest about this, well sometimes I just let myself feel low. It’s really very sad and has to be acknowledged. But I have made my life very full with activities I love, with professional goals and with lots of good friendships. Before I know it, my schedule just takes over and I find myself in the middle of doing something and forgetting that I was lonely. From time to time, I make myself look back at my life, the last 3 months, 6 months, year, so I can see how I have been progressing and I understand that progress would not have been made if I had been giving my energy and time to someone else. I can acknowledge then that it just hasn’t been the right time to have someone else in my life.
How long did it take for you to heal from your divorces? What helped you most during the recovery?
I don’t think I ever recovered from the first in time for my second marriage. I would say that I recovered from both marriages in the last year and a half or two years. What has helped the most was finally acknowledging the physical, emotional and sexual abuse I suffered as a child. Once I did that, I could see exactly why I ended up with the men I did (boyfriends included), why I accepted their behavior and treatment of me as normal, why I could never tell my friends how bad things were and ask for help. Remembering what happened to me as a child, in past relationships was so hard and painful. I had to get over so much anger and feelings of betrayal, but I learned that I am strong and that I can really count on myself. Also I began strength training on a regular basis and I noticed that as I could see myself getting more physically strong, I believed that I could confront emotional fears. Improv has also been incredibly helpful. If you ever want to experience surviving what is essentially a free fall, do improv. You learn that you will have a team behind you to trust, that you and your team can create something out of nothing, and that, most importantly, the moment you are in right now is the only one that matters.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a result of your divorces?
That I am not my divorces. I am not my mistakes. In any relationship, failure (and success) is ALWAYS the result of both people so I can’t possibly take the blame for everything. That these relationships ending were just the beginning of something really great for me. That my kids and I were always meant to be a unit – the 3 of us. The most important things in their lives could only have been experienced with me as I was the only parent who wasn’t putting my issues on them and was truly invested in them.
If you have children, how did you see your divorce(s) impact them? What advice would you give to mothers who are considering divorce?
My first marriage ending had a huge impact on my son as he was 2-1/2 when it happened. He struggled with anger and acting out on his feelings for years. My daughter was only 7 months so she had no memory of her dad actually being with her full time. What impacted them the most was their dad not accepting any responsibility and instead blaming the kids for their behavior and their distant relationship. That was the hardest thing for them. My second marriage ending was a good thing for them. They were way more aware of my second husband’s addictions and problems than I was. They were teens when the marriage ended. They were instantly relieved when he was gone. They worried most about me being so distraught. They actually helped lead the way for me to let go.
Overall, the divorces were positive in their lives, beyond the initial trauma. They flourished when each husband left, and the unhealthy behavior that was dominating their lives was gone. My son became more self-aware and at ease in talking about his feelings. My daughter learned to speak up for herself. There was a time when they each said they would never date or marry and that made me sad, but they’ve each found themselves in long-term relationships and in love since then. Not all of these relationships have lasted, but they learned that they can survive and grow beyond those endings.
Advice for mothers considering divorce. Being a parent means that you are responsible for the safety and security of you children. If you believe your mental health is being affected by your spouse’s or partner’s behavior, chances are your kids are suffering the same the same. Ideally, your partner or spouse will acknowledge this and you will both go for individual and couples counseling. If your partner or spouse is unwilling to do this, then I do believe that divorce is a viable solution to preserve or rebuild any security and stability you and your kids need. (PS, This answer is based on what I’ve seen good friends of mine go through, as well as my own experience.)
And lastly, what advice would you give to any women (mother or not) who is considering divorce?
Unless you are in a dangerous relationship, take the time to build your support and safe place with good people and healthy activities. Before you make any decision, start individual counseling. Start building the emotional strength you will need to deal with the fallout of the divorce. There is nothing easy about the process. There is pain, fear, loneliness, plus a divorce can unexpectedly bring up past traumas. Surround yourself with people you know will be there for you whether you stay or leave. Start talking to them about your problems if you haven’t already. Get their love and support right now. Do what you can to be physically healthy. There will be an affect on your body from this huge change and you will need it to be strong. Sometimes your strong body will be what carries your spirit and your mental health. If you have time, find an activity that you can do, just you, to take yourself out of your daily struggle. And love yourself all of the time, even when you feel like you’ve made a mistake, or you fear what will happen to your kids. You can’t think that far ahead or behind. Look at yourself and love yourself.