Tell us about yourself (age, occupation, how long ago you broke up with your ex, etc.).
Jude, 59 years old, caregiver
As a McCombs
Married: 8/17/1974
Divorced: 1981
As a Yarber
Married: 8/2/1984
Divorced: not soon enough 2/2000
I’ve been healing through Love…and I regained maiden name in 6/2000!
Briefly give us some background on your divorces. What happened in those situations?
In 1970’s my mother was good at shaming me and devalued me due to her own feelings towards her mother.
Her mother had moved in with us when I was 18months old and gramma & I became very close.
My gram had been a single mom in the 1920’s and my mom, her only child, had been given over to those grandparents aunts and uncles to raise, while gram worked & lived in another city. My mom was loved but had lots of shameful feelings because her mom left her, and some sexual abuse by an uncle.
My mom compared me to her mom with negative words.
I was ill-prepared to be in a stable relationship. Finding acceptance through my sexuality, I became pregnant at age 18. I wanted someone to love and to be loved soooo badly. As a result we married though we were entirely too young and both had sad families that we were just happy to have our own apartment and get away from our parents homes. That relationship lasted seven years and some change. Two girl children, our blessings! We were just as stupid and immature in our breakup, so that the girls suffered more than they should. If I could tell my old self something I really don’t think I would have listened. I’m like that.
You mentioned that you’ve been divorced twice. In what ways was it difficult to pursue a second divorce after having gone through the experience previously?
I hated being divorced, a teen mom with no real prospects. I had little education, and not much earning power.
I felt broken. Weak. Sad. On the Edge.
The Grace of God is what I owe my survival to. But, I wanted to be treasured and loved, cherished. So along came a man who, in retrospect, I can see was a predator. I was just enough of a mess to fall for the charm and manipulation.
And did I mention the suffering my girls had already experienced? So much more we endured. We went 13 years of it. But that’s in your first book, Akirah.
How did you deal with any shame? And how did you convince yourself to go through with it anyway?
Being a Christian and having that deep well of faith is the only reason l live, laugh, or love. Knowing I am a “King’s Kid” is enough to erase shame and pain. It’s not forgotten but it’s not my whole story, either. Faith, Love and Hope are THE story.
What were the 1-3 hardest things about getting divorced? How did you deal with those things?
1- Deciding to give up
2- Realizing love was not enough
3- Respecting myself
This is dealt with through many, many counseling sessions.
What were the 1-3 best things about getting divorced? In what ways were you surprised by it?
1- Making my own decisions
2- Freedom to choose my future
3- The possibilities
It surprised me to find out how happy and strong I was in that Faith. To float and not sink, to bounce and not shatter, to lose but not be lost.
How long did it take for you to heal from your divorces? What helped you most during the recovery?
Recovery is an ongoing process. It’s important to see the joy and hope in not knowing what tomorrow brings but being excited that ‘tomorrow’ will be everlasting.
What’s the biggest lesson you’ve learned as a result of your divorces?
Marriage is hard. Love is a choice and one person cannot carry a marriage alone.
If you have children, how did you see your divorce(s) impact them? What advice would you give to mothers who are considering divorce?
Read above – I’m sure they made better decisions about picking their partners. They chosen wisely and learned from my mistakes but I have lost their respect in some ways.
And lastly, what advice would you give to any women (mother or not) who is considering divorce?
The Best is yet to come.